stark ranting

This weekend I threw a party that ended with a few of us chilling in the hot tub. Despite our advanced stage of inebriation, the topic of conversation found its way to the age old question of 'why is there something rather than nothing?' The argument I tried to make (rather ungracefully, at the time) was that I tend to view the existence of manifest organization (trees, clouds, computers) as nonrandom occurrences. Not in the sense that a greater intelligence willed them into existence, but in the sense that the physical laws of our universe are uniquely tuned to bring forth such phenomena. All of the physical laws that govern our universe have quite specific measurable characteristics. We know, for example, a rather precise value of the gravitational constant. Is there an underlying reason to explain the specificity of the gravitational constant? Or is it inherent to the system, an ingredient of the universe? And if it is an ingredient, an irreducible physical constant, why does it have its observed value as opposed to some other arbitrary constant? Would the universe exist in much the same way it does now if the gravitational constant were ten times greater? I don't think it would. If you were to wind up the universe at the beginning of space-time with a gravitational constant shifted by one decimal place, I think the universe would unfold in a strikingly different shape from what we know today. In that variation, I see reason, if not intent. The reason why the four fundamental forces have their respective observable characteristics, the reason why the speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second and nothing travels faster, the reason why the universe itself exists is to create something. Whether that something is galaxies or planets or trees or none of the above, the important thing is that something beautiful is created. And by beautiful I simply mean interesting, because there's no beauty in nothingness. I think of the unfolding universe as a fireworks show. You can create an incredible variation of colors, shapes, and movement by altering the firework starting materials. Once you set it off it will reveal its nature as colorful patterns lighting up a dark sky. I like to think about many universes unfolding outside of our time, each one with a different set of rules defining its nature, each one bringing forth something beautiful in an explosion of color and patterns. That's reason enough for me.

Posted by stark at 03:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Don't think about our insignificance in the scope of the vast universe. Don't think about our finite time in this life. Don't think about why we're even here. Ok, I get it. Don't think about these things, because thinking about them gets you nowhere. There are no answers. There are no solutions that could be reachable if only one gave it enough thought. And yet I need to believe that my actions have meaning. Meaning beyond the basic elements of keeping myself alive. Certainly people can find meaning in the act of bringing a child into the world. Or simply the pursuit of pleasure. But I'm left with the hollow feeling that my actions can only fulfill whatever goals I set for myself, and no greater purpose. There is no meaning outside of that which I invent. That's a truth I can accept, but it begs the question, what meaning do I want to assign to my life? My actions certainly have an effect on society, my friends, my family, the environment. What effects do I care to create? On a personal level my only wish is to be kind to the people I care about. To be a good friend, a good brother, a good son. My influence on the environment is a cause of concern; I yearn to be a good custodian of the diversity of nature. But my effect on society is the one that keeps me awake at night, because that has the potential to be the greatest and most enduring influence, and I keep thinking that our society needs help finding a new way. I just haven't quite figured out what it is yet.

Posted by stark at 09:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The truth is I am depressed. I guess that goes without saying. But it's mild enough that it doesn't get in the way most of the time. It doesn't really occur to me or I'm not consciously aware of it; I just go on with my life. The thing is I don't enjoy life as much as I should. As much as other people do. I don't get pleasure from food the way other people do. I don't have any real hobbies, or none that I get any immense sense of satisfaction from. I run, but more for utilitarian reasons. I work, because, well, we all have to work. I do things that keep me busy, keep my mind busy, keep my mind quiet. I do things for lack of having anything better to do. I keep moving forward, but not always. Some days I get stuck, or I don't see the point in continuing on this path. Most days I get stuck before I have a cup of coffee.
I will tell you though, I have seen beauty. I have experienced beauty. Beauty that moves through you, beauty that sends shivers up your spine into the back of your head and neck. I understand the spirit of the world we find manifest. It makes sense to me in a way that few other things do. The patterns you see in a bolt of lightning and the branches of a tree. Desperately reaching through space to be closer to the thing you want. The thing you need. Or restless winds searching for equilibrium. Trying to find balance in an unbalanced world. These things are the very substance of beauty. They embody the spirit of the natural world brought into being, and at times I see these things for what they are, with the veil of misdirected energies lifted. But not today.

Posted by stark at 05:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)